When all else fails, name the dynamic and spell out the consequences. If you listen to your counterpart with respect, you are more likely to be heard. When you're caught up in the details and anxiety of a particular difficult conversation, this structure is hard to see. Why we don’t like difficult conversations • Takes time • Emotions (ours and theirs) • Conflict • Protection…Difficult Conversations: April 2012 4 5. Common purpose and communicating you care makes the conversation safe 3. Let the other party know what would persuade you, and ask what would persuade them. ‘What capacity do we need as leaders to demonstrate authenticity and build credibility and trust? If you go into a difficult conversation unwilling to be persuaded, you’re not really going into it interested in their side and in solving the problem. What would it mean if the thing you fear was true? You can also use the And Stance to help reframe issues between you and another person. Improvement requires change, and change is hard and awkward, and requires us to take an honest look at ourselves and break out of our comfort zone. flag. Performance reviews sometimes start this way: “how do you think you’ve been doing?” This will only activate the other person’s anxiety and immediately trigger their defensiveness, and they’ll probably imagine that what you have to say is far worse than what you actually think. Here are some basic tips and reframings that will help you have the best difficult conversation you can. Then, we need to negotiate our feelings with ourselves before going into a difficult conversation. When you listen, you get information that is crucial to directing the conversation. The basic guidelines for sharing your feelings are as follows: We assume we know what we feel, when in reality, most of us don’t. When this happens, first let the other person know that you want to listen to them, but you’re having a hard time focusing. Once you understand those 3 conversations and have worked through your own contributions, feelings, and identity, your inner voice will quiet down and you can be a better listener. Listening to your inner voice will start to give you answers and questions to explore in those 3 areas. But there are things we can do to recognize what our identity issues are, cope better once our identity has been challenged, and think objectively about ourselves. But this book is useful for literally everyone. Assuming someone meant to hurt you will color how you view them and will affect the course of the difficult conversation. The issue is not a judgment on the other person’s character, it’s an instance of friction between two people. And, by not sharing our feelings, we keep an important part of who we are out of our relationships. September 23, 2018 - Gini Beqiri. Such conversations are typically made uncomfortable by the fear of consequences and may involve any issue that is hard for people to discuss. Because we’re all comfortable with some emotions and uncomfortable with others, there are usually feelings lurking beneath the feelings we readily admit we have. Once we do that, we can begin to negotiate, on our own, why these feelings are popping up, what past experiences and current triggers are bringing these feelings up, and whether the stories we’re telling ourselves about the current situation are fair or based in reality. The solution is for the parties to identify and understand their feelings, negotiate … By now, we all know that effec­tive per­for­mance man­age­ment neces­si­tates reg­u­lar one-to-one check-ins. But the rewards of improving will be worth the effort required. Making a conscious effort to improve how you handle these conversations will benefit you immensely. Due to this increase in pressure, businesses have also spent the last two decades trying to cut costs, so much so that there isn’t much left to cut. You can only control how you respond to their bad intentions. That's why every book is summarized in three lengths: 1) Paragraph to get the gist 2) 1-page summary, to get the main takeaways 3) Full comprehensive summary and analysis, containing every useful point and example. Download PDF summary of "Difficult Conversations" by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen. You’re competent and you made a mistake this time. You will face difficult conversations throughout your life, but now you can learn how to cope with them. This is how difficult conversations turn into a war of opposite views: “I’ve got bad news, and you’re going to take it” is met with “I’m not going to take it — in fact, I’ve got bad news for you! Once you’re aware of the meta-conversations and better ways to approach those conversations, you can start navigating the difficult conversation as a whole. In Difficult Conversations, Douglas Stone outlines effective strategies to approach difficult conversations. The more skilled you become at that, the easier difficult conversations will become. We’re usually not aware when identity issues come up in difficult conversations. Ask yourself why. You’re either taking it, or you’re giving it. Difficult conversations Supporting wellness, Influencing, collaboration and networking, Strategies for dealing with different responses Consider strategies for dealing with the emotions and behaviours that difficult conversations can trigger. All of this will help us manage the Identity Conversation more easily. They are not about what a contract states, they are about what a contract means. When we get hurt or upset, our first impulse is usually to assume the other person meant for us to feel this way. 3. We need to become aware of our internal voice. In business, the principles you’ll learn in this summary are required just to maintain business as usual. Most of us assume bad intentions = bad people, and we’re far less likely to be curious about, understanding of, or accepting of the other person’s perspective if we view them as a bad person, rather than a good person who’s made mistakes. How do they view your contributions? The stories we tell ourselves are built in systematic, if unconscious ways — they aren’t random or without cause. It’s better to approach difficult conversations as learning conversations. Difficult conversations are a constant throughout life, at work, at home, and in the world. “How would you... Q: What if the other person is trying to lie, bully me, or ruin the conversation to get what they want? 1. If they get emotional, listen and acknowledge their feelings. We usually assume bad intentions so quickly that we don’t realize it’s an assumption — we think it’s a fact. Ask if your purpose for having the difficult conversation makes sense. What facet of your identity is at risk? Read the full comprehensive summary at Shortform. Lastly, we suffer when we keep our feelings to ourselves. Both of these beginnings are common because they’re based in how we see things — but they also immediately put the other person on the defensive. Remind yourself of a time you thought you were right, but discovered you’d been wrong. We never outgrow them, or get a promotion that saves us from them, or meet a person who’s so perfect for us we never have to have them. Summary.pdf A summary of Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen (1999), Difficult conversations: how to discuss what matters most. 3 things you can do to be a good listener: Difficult conversations are really problem-solving opportunities, and problem-solving is a team sport. Difficult Conversations—How to Discuss What Matter’s Most Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen (Harvard Negotiation Project, Penguin Books, 2000, 250 pp.) Flight Communi cate Fight. Blame also obfuscates when there are bad systems at play, bigger than a single person who can be blamed. The single greatest problem in communication is the illusion that it had taken place. Options? H�Ԕy|U��瞙��%!�@r�{�"иT) Humans are complex: no human is all good or all bad. Difficult conversations are about something important and thus have feelings at their core. This is a surefire sign that they don’t feel heard, and they don’t feel like the other person is trying to empathize with their perspective. Difficult Conversations focus on raising your awareness of what's going on outside and inside you so you can better adjust yourself not to get lost in the emotional state that usually surrounds those types of conversations. Competition these days requires businesses to increase in size and scale — many successful businesses are global — while also adapting less hierarchical practices for the sake of flexibility. This book provides a framework and various strategies for achieving better outcomes from hard exchanges. We usually anticipate distress because difficult conversations often become emotional, leading us to confront, freeze, bolt, or gloss over the issues. Difficult conversations are, well, difficult. ment.They provide readers with the tools to handle life’s most difficult and impor - tant conversations. Difficult Conversations is a lot longer than it needs to be, and bloated in some areas. Negotiate your brain back to curiosity. Keep reading! Even though from our perspective the blame looks one-sided, in reality everyone has contributed in some way.For example, in baseball, think about a pitcher and a batter facing off. endstream endobj 1502 0 obj <>stream Contribution, on the other hand, is about understanding and looking forward. In fact, the success and survival of any relationship, business or personal, depends on the ability of those involved to master difficult conversations. It shows you how to get ready, how to start the conversations in ways that reduce defensiveness, and how to keep the conversation on a constructive track regardless of how the other person responds. SHARES. Difficult Conversations. You take it!”. H�\�͊�P��>�]v/�֭jA�I7d1?Lz��MZ�����=��#$~�u�����n��٥���ه�����e�NMp�p��$�]�5��j�o�����x����CRU.�o^������! Remind yourself that it’s a delusional assumption to think you already understand someone else. �8��˰쯒gE�G� �4ST Spouses, partners, landlords, tenants, neighbors, team members, employees, colleagues, patients, doctors — everyone can use it. }���9�t){ڵ�~7ߞbͿ'�ocp�r�Q��p�&Lu The Feelings Conversation will only improve for the better if we work at getting better at sharing our feelings. endstream endobj 1500 0 obj <>stream We are going to lose our balance in difficult conversations over identity issues. Contribution asks what we both did to get in this situation, and what we can do to get out of it together. 2. Difficult Conversations walks you through a proven, concrete, step-by-step approach for understanding and conducting tough conversations. )U!���$5�X�3/9�� �(�$5�j�%V*�'��&*���r" (,!��!�0b;�C��Ң2(��ɘ� � I�8/ Most of us assume that listening is a passive role, but it can be very active. 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